whine & dine

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Alright, simmer down. I don’t hate straight people. I love them! In fact, I’m part of one of the few gay couples I know that actually mix predominantly with heterosexual friends. As part of a community that clings to each other like flies to a dung heap, it really is quite amazing that bunny and I have all of one other gay couple that we see on a regular basis.

Gay rights are not where they should be today, particularly not in our sunny little nation-state. I, like most of the gay people I know, would very much like for Section 377A to be repealed. I would also like for gay marriage to be legal. I would like that when I fill in forms and have to state my relationship to bunny, I don’t have to put “Friend” or “Flatmate”.

I do, however, recognize that Singapore has come a long way from where we started out. A decade ago, bunny and I wouldn’t be able to live together the way we do now, nor would she be able to introduce me to all her colleagues. Our landlords, for sure, wouldn’t know that I’m her girlfriend, and that we’re living here together as partners, not as flatmates. In fact, let’s boil it down to the simpler things – she and I can walk, holding hands, down Orchard Road in the middle of a Saturday (only it’s normally too crowded), we can sit in a cafe in Holland Village, and if I so wish, I can kiss her in public and we’re not going to get stoned for it. That – to me – is progress. And while I can stand right here and tell you that no, this is not the end of the line for progress, it is something that warrants our attention, something that the GLBT community tends to forget.

I have some serious issues with how activism is played out in Singapore. That’s really the biggest reason why I’m not more involved with the local GLBT community. Essentially, I often find myself questioning what exactly it is that gay activists are fighting for, and more often – the way in which they go about doing it. Questions like these obviously exclude some notable characters like Alex Au who founded People Like Us, but that goes without saying. The term “gay rights” is so vague, so loosely founded on how the GLBT community is vying for “acceptance” and “equality” – two other blanket terms; two terms whose meanings very few people will agree on when one looks at specifics.

***

I.

A year or two ago, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who is quite involved in the local community. She was essentially trying to recruit me to fight for our common cause, i.e. gay rights. I asked her what she was fighting for, exactly, and what she wanted me to help out with. I mean, it’s no secret that I’m bisexual and living with another woman, so it surely can’t hurt.

Numbers, she replied. We need numbers. But what for? “To be noticed” was one reason she cited, “to be taken seriously” was another.

Not that I wish to belittle my friend’s fighting spirit, which – to be honest – I admire. I admire her courage to stand up for something she believes in. What I don’t admire, is how when I ask what she wants to do with the attention once she gets it, I couldn’t get a straight (pun unintended) answer out of her.

The thing is, I’m gay. I’m sympathetic to your cause. Hell – it’s my cause too! If you can’t even convince me, what’s going to happen when you stand across the court from a heterosexual homophobe? And one who’s out to argue you down, not help you build your case up.

She’s not the only person I know who seems to fight blindly for a cause whose overall agenda she believes in, but doesn’t necessarily understand the intricacies and implications of. The sad thing about gay activism in Singapore is that it often involves forgetting how far we’ve come, and badgering on about how far we’ve got to go. In a city where Pride Marches will never happen, seeing as how any participants would be packed off to jail for participating in an illegal gathering, we surely need much more than just pure numbers. If you can’t win by reason – or rather, if the opposition camp isn’t listening to your reasons, volume isn’t going to help either – not here anyway.

II.

As much as equality is surely to be desired, one thing that never fails to make my stomach churn is the way these same people who beat their fists upon their chests and scream themselves hoarse for the injustice of how homosexuals are not accorded “equal treatment” in society (I presume they mean the lack of civil unions and of course, the much talked about s.377A) often then go to equal measures to exclude heterosexuals from their activities. I thought the whole purpose of the exercise was to integrate the GLBT community with the heterosexual masses; not creating more islands.

To illustrate this, I’ve taken an excerpt from the Sayoni forum. Now, I’m not trying to pin this on any individual, nor on the Sayoni community. I’m just trying to show the general sentiment that I’ve come across before. The following excerpt is taken from an FAQ section on Sayoni gatherings, and someone started the ball rolling by asking if only gay/bi girls are welcome, or if straight and bi-curious girls are welcome as well. I’m copying and pasting selected portions (but as far as I can see, I’m not twisting anyone’s words), and if you’d like to view the original exchange, you can view it here. Emphasis included is also mine.

OGY: Btw, do you girls welcome straight/bi-curious girls to sayoni gathering as well? Or strictly for gay/bi only?

pleinelune: For straight girls, it might be more awkward for them than for us. We have had them in the past, but they are very open-minded straight girls. If the said girl won’t freak out if lesbians hit on them, or assume they are gay, then it should be fine.

irene: I would like to add that for straight girls, I would want a compelling reason for them to be with us at an official event like this.

Not that I am discriminating or not being open, but I think we need to safeguard the safe space for all of us. So I prefer that our official gatherings are not for straight girls, especially for those who are just curious about the queer scene.

OGY: [in response to pleinlune’s post] Ehm… shouldn’t it be the other way around?

I am actually more concerned about the well-being of sayoni girls if I bring my straight gal friends who are gay-friendly…

Now, someone please correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t these people (in particular people who think like “irene” and “OGY”) doing to heterosexuals what heterosexuals are often accused of doing to us? What is there in need to safeguarding if it’s just a gathering to meet and hang out? Or is my understanding of the entire event wrong, in that Sayoni gatherings are really events where world domination is plotted and attendees don’t want heterosexual spies crashing the party? As much as I hate the way straight female friends of mine tell me that they’re scared of lesbian girls who might “attack” them – this sounds like a ridiculously similar mindset.

Shouldn’t we really be inviting these heterosexuals to join us in our social activities so that they can see how much we are people just like them, people who eat, drink, breathe, love, hate, and co-exist with them, instead of building these walls in which we are further encapsulated safely away from the rest of the evil prying eyes of the heterosexual world – a world that, strangely, we are concurrently fighting to be part of.

***

I’ve battled long and hard, internally, with writing a post like this. These thoughts have been with me for quite a while now, and I’ve put off writing it because I do forsee negative repercussions of this post. I forsee homophobes who chance upon this post twisting my words to fight against people like me, but – worse than that – I see fellow members of the GLBT community attacking me for my ‘anti-activism’ comments.

You see, that’s not the point of this. The point of the post is simply that I understand and I agree with all that you are fighting for. I even want to fight with you. But sometimes, as much as heterosexual homophobes need a gay-sympathetic heterosexual to come out and speak for us, overzealous gay activists who may have lost sight of their way sometimes need an objective member of their community to offer criticism. And I can only hope that you’ll take this the way I want it to get across.

[Photo originally uploaded by timsperez]